To Kiss a Mannequin
by Angelas
Summary: Sasuke's and Naruto's friendship is on the rocks. A perverted waiter, however, manages to take Naruto's mind off of it in more ways than one. SaiNaru


**I ship many things, I'm sure you all have noticed; and one of my favorites is SaiNaru. :D My fascination with these two stems deeper than even the likes of SasuNaru. I don't know why. SaiNaru is like SasuNaru on METH. Lmao It's so intense and romantic. o; I love it so much.**

**I wanted to lend my small contribution to this dying community, and therefore, I present you with a very short multi-chapter story. Please enjoy, and for those who are iffy about this ship, I hope I turn you just a little. C:**

**Warnings: Sai's and Naru's potty mouth, sexual innuendos, so on. XD**

**I disclaim.**

**oOo**

It was a winter night.

There were people singing Christmas chorales outside, and the restaurant was almost empty.

Naruto was on the verge of tears.

His best friend of several years, he was absolutely certain, was avoiding him.

"I don't know when my next week off is, idiot. I already told you this."

"You told me it would be this week! Why do you keep bullshitting me?!"

"Naruto. People are staring at you. You're embarrassing yourself."

"Do you think I give a _shit _about that right now?!"

"Naruto," the older of the two said plainly as he stood eloquently from his seat, "You're impossible."

"Where the hell do you think you're going, you bastard?!"

Several eyes were hesitant pendulums between the two men. Even the waiters had paused at a complete still on the job, wide-eyed; plates, drinks, checks, and utensils in their hands. The customers were no different.

"I'm going," a sharp glare of ebony was enough for Naruto to retain his fury for just a second, "_Away_ from _you_. To _breathe_."

"B-but-"

"You act like.." Sasuke glowered deeply at the younger boy, his brows clasped together in utter frustration, "Like.. like a hungry _dog_ sometimes. You're absolutely ridiculous."

There was a cryptic silence. The restaurant could have easily passed for a morgue.

Naruto's eyes were ten times their original size, the blue in them losing their shine to the rhythm of Sasuke's hurtful words.

Was it really that bad to _care_? To _give _a shit about his best friend? To _want _to spend time with him?

"Sasuke.. It's not like that-"

"Of course it isn't, you incredible idiot."

"Wha-"

"Nor will it be."

A particular waiter had stepped forward at that point, having been brave enough to remain loyal to his duties amidst the scandalous affair between the two upset men.

The waiter had a firm, yet completely void expression on his face.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Hn. That won't be necessary. I was just about to before I was," jet-ink turned to glare at blue, "_rudely_ interrupted."

Naruto stared blankly as Sasuke stormed out of the rococo-themed saloon, his mouth having been parted in blatant disbelief. His eyes stung with what felt like aggravated sadness, tears threatening at the rims.

That **hurt**.

The waiter simply went back to his duties, the clanking of plates and glasses being collected from an abandoned table flooding the otherwise silent vicinity.

A few moments later, the previously jolted customers resumed in their chatter and eating for the rest of the evening.

Naruto ordered his very first shot of whiskey that night.

**oOo**

It had gotten to the point in which Naruto could barely tell the difference between a human figure and a.. shadowy blob.

His head had certainly began to hurt, and the fact that he had always been somewhat of a lightweight when it came down to alcohol wasn't exactly _helping _his situation.

Quite dizzy and disoriented, Naruto watched as the waiter from earlier went about the empty tables. There was hardly anyone at the place anymore, exempt for a man who had passed out on one of the stools in the island bar.

Naruto's eyes were lazy pendulums between the waiter and the small beads of sparkly glitter he could've sworn were spilling profusely from the ceiling. He let out a low grunt when he felt one of the magical beads fall somewhere on his nose, taking a long, sharp drink of his whiskey.

Damn glittery sprinkles.

He slapped some away in mid-air, making a few drunken noises of annoyance in the process.

The waiter seemed to have noticed this, however, and Naruto would find the guy giving him expressionless glances here and there as he wiped away the speck-less surfaces of the decorated tables.

"We're closing soon, you know," the stranger said almost robotically, turning to give Naruto a very plastic smile. "And we don't do boarding."

Naruto stared soullessly for a moment, his yellow brows clasped together in a notion of attempt to focus his dilating pupils.

The blob was white and tall.

There were some faint colors on the deformed shape, deeming a red and black attire of some kind. Naruto could also make out a patch of ink on the top of the mass's head, which was probably hair.

The blob approached, and Naruto simply took another gulp of his drink, glaring.

"You should really stop drinking that so quickly," the creature-waiter-thing said again, his voice now being something that Naruto felt increasingly irked about with each second. "You'll end up quite dick-less."

Naruto felt his eyes shoot open a little, a little taken back at the other's snobby and insulting remark which came out of seemingly nowhere.

This was _not_ a good moment to fuck with him. He was in a bad, fucking mood, and he didn't quite mind the thought of a good, violent fight before the night ended.

"The fuck are you callin' 'dick-less', huh?" Naruto slurred, scowling at the deformity that now seemed to have taken a seat in front of him. "Want me ta beat yer ass, fucker?"

Naruto tried hard to focus his eyes on the waiter, wanting to know how the piece of prick looked like, but his brain would immediately throb in noncompliance. He noted that he could barely keep his head up at that point. He gave another low grunt, downing another mouthful of whiskey.

"Beat my ass?" the waiter said calmly, his voice disturbingly unmoved. "With what, might I ask?"

"With mah fist, idi-_hic_-ot," Naruto managed, slamming his shot onto the table, "What else?"

"Oh. You're quite the kink, aren't you?"

"The fuck -_hic_- you talkin' about, fucker..?"

"You could call me Sai, by the way. I bet that guy that stormed off on you earlier was tired of your fisting fetish."

Naruto barely had enough sobriety to react, but he definitely wasn't pleased by the other's ass-ness. He glared at the figure he could hardly make out, his face bathed in blush.

"Sh-shut-_hic_-up.."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

Naruto felt himself redden further, the temperature in his body rising, "No.."

"Fuck buddy?"

"No-"

"Gay crush?"

"F-fuck yo-"

"Sai!" a woman from somewhere shouted, nearly rupturing Naruto's sensitive eardrums, "Get over here! We're closing!"

Sai turned towards a helplessly drunk Naruto, a plain, meaningless smile on his paper-pale face.

"I should drive you home, dick-less. Wouldn't want you killing anyone tonight."

"Fuck n-!"

"Unless you'd like a very expensive cab to do that for you?"

Well, fuck.

One point for the pale asshole.

Naruto knew he was broke. The last little bit of cash he had left in his wallet he'd spent on the several shots of whiskey he'd irresponsibly ordered throughout the night. He glared sharply at the blob, downing the last little puddle of yellow cider left in his glass right down his aching throat.

He gave away whatever was left of his so-called pride the moment he staggered into the other guy's car.

**oOo**

Sasuke didn't understand, and Naruto didn't understand, either.

The constant disagreements that slowly but surely shattered their friendship with each passing day already had Naruto in a pretty depressed state.

He'd known the guy for more than fifteen years now. And now that he had finally turned the scandalous, freeing age of twenty-one, Naruto found himself feeling even more miserable than ever before.

He rubbed fiercely at his temples, his thoughts scattered all over his intoxicated brain. All he could truly register in his currently imbalanced state was the smooth, constant movement of the vehicle he was in, and the low musing of dub-step music resonating from the car's speakers.

He could also _smell _the snobby waiter he'd regrettably had the chance to encounter at Sasuke's favorite restaurant.

It was a weird, strangely-appealing mix of leather and ink.

Naruto found himself inhaling air a little more eagerly than usual, secretly indulging on the unusual scent. The only thing that was looking up a little at the time was the fact that he could now focus his vision a little better than he could earlier, having been able to finally make out the waiter's face.

Squinting, Naruto noticed that the guy had an insanely, nearly unrealistic shade of skin.

It was white.

Egg-white, almost.

His hair was an insipid shade of blunt black, an exigent contrast against the guy's highly unnatural complexion. Naruto could also make out the tint of Sai's eyes, which was just as black as, if not _more_ than, his hair. His figure was pretty stiff, and firm, annotating that the guy was somehow pretty athletic and kept himself in shape. Nice masculine jaw, symmetrical features, vampire-like skin..

Yep, definitely a freak.

Naruto glared, his lip pouting childishly.

"You like looking at me, don't you?" the other suddenly said in a smiling voice, his dark eyes intent towards the dashboard.

Naruto could feel his fist balling at that point. Did this guy ever say _anything _outside of snarky, shameless remarks?

"I ain't a fag, if that's where you're trying to get at," Naruto hissed, secretly elated somewhere inside that he had somehow gotten a little control over his voice.

"No one said that you were," Sai said plainly, turning to give Naruto one of those annoying, meaningless smiles as he stopped skillfully at a red light. "How could you be when you clearly lack what defines a 'fag'?"

Naruto squinted his eyes, accepting the challenge with an infantile pout, "Which would _be_?"

There was a short, awkward pause, leaving Naruto a little queasy.

"A penis, silly," and with that, Sai gave out a very composed chuckle, leaving a fuming Naruto in his wake.

"Why do you have to be such an ass?"

"And why do you have to be such a drunk?"

"I'm not a drunk!" Naruto shouted in his defense, lifting himself a little from his sitting position.

If that prick weren't the one currently driving, Naruto would've definitely sunk his fist in the guy's irritating face by now.

"It was just.. It was just this once!"

"Of course it was, Naruto."

"H-how the hell do you know my name?!"

"Overheard you and your boyfriend's bickering. Are you two always that loud in public?"

"F-fuck you, asshole!"

"I firmly believe that the dick-less one in a relationship should be the one to be penetrated."

"I-I-!"

"Do you like to be penetrated, Naruto?"

If they hadn't entered the freeway at that very moment, Naruto could've sworn to the higher gods that he would've shoved his foot straight up that jerk's ass until it came out the other hole. He felt his veins filling with blood, his disheveled brain struggling to keep a thought at all stable.

Knowing fully well he wouldn't win an argument in his current state, however, Naruto begrudgingly crossed his arms against himself, slumping heavily into the leather seat of the car.

"Where are you going, anyway? I haven't even told you where I live." Naruto dared to take a peek at the other man, his eyes slitting in curiosity.

He couldn't quite get over Sai's paleness, or the fact that the guy painfully resembled Sasuke in more ways than one.

The black hair, the steady, manful figure, the black eyes, the emptiness and sadness that radiated almost lamentably from them..

There was a profound, incurable gloominess about them both that Naruto was never quite able to wrap his head around. Maybe that was one of the reasons why Sasuke consistently insisted that he 'could never understand' him, or that they were from 'two completely different worlds'.

Naruto looked to the side, feeling a little weird that he had been looking at the pervert asshole for so long.

"That's because we're not going to where you live," Sai said plainly, making a long turn with the swift swerve of the steering wheel. "I'd like to learn from you a little bit. I read in a book once that good conversation often happens in a place where it's just two people."

Naruto turned towards Sai, an incredulous look on his whiskered face.

"And what the_ hell _makes you think that I wanna have a 'good' conversation with you, huh? Take me home NOW!"

Stopping slowly at a stop sign, Sai turned to display one of those irritating, phony smiles Naruto decided he hated more than anything else in the entire world that very day.

"I'm afraid it's too late, Naruto. We're already here. And," he turned back towards the road, taking a swift left, "I've completely run out of gas."

Maddened beyond salvation at that point, Naruto shifted his infuriated gaze towards the fuel gauge, noticing the car had, indeed, gone dry on gasoline.

"You fucking asshole! I'm gonna call the cops!"

"I lack a land-line, and I don't believe in technology," Sai smiled, parking his car on the driveway to his oddly-painted house. "I believe in the more.. _artistic_ side of life."

"Like kidnapping helpless guys in your car?" Naruto shot back, his brows furrowed in piling irritation. He could literally _feel_ his gums powdering underneath the angry clenching of his teeth.

"That could be considered an art by some," the older of the two neatly remarked, pulling the keys from the ignition. "Like serial killers, rapists, child molesters, and whatnot."

Perturbed by the other's grim remark and the utter detachment of personality altogether, Naruto seethed silently in his seat, struggling to unclasp his seat-belt. The alcohol in his system was still most definitely there, but he was inwardly thankful that he'd managed coherency of his voice at that point, at least.

"You're a fucking crazy psycho."

"Well.. I'd like to think of myself as more of a hobbyist painter of some sorts. But," he paused, opening the door to the car before stepping out, "Whatever floats your boat, _dick-less_."

Naruto could see only red.

**oOo**

**Woo! Had fun writing this. The end is near, I'm afraid, as I cannot possibly afford to make this story very long at all. I hope you enjoyed part one. :D Leave a comment down below, my loves? xx**


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